Astrological Advice for White Supremacists

Aries (Mar 21 -Apr 19)

Stop worrying if beating a cop with a Blue Lives Matter flag feels a bit off. You don’t have time to be critical of anything when you’re staging a coup with several thousand other bearded jackasses who feel slighted because an orange bigot told you that’s how you should feel. #Notallcops are the cops you believed them to be. Consider using sick days for the whole insurrection rather than PTO. Burn democracy down on the company’s dime.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Horns are the right fashion choice. (Get it? RIGHT!) If you can join the fight against Satanic pedophiles operating out of small business pizzeria basements, you can certainly rock a set of horns. If you want to stand out in a sea of red, white, and blue fascists, wear little else than that set of horns. I promise, suffering the cold, bare-chested, will get you your pick of the ladies. Live free or die!!! Q the cameras!!! Viva la Roseanne Barr!!!

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

As if a no-fly list could keep you and your Christian romance novel book club away from taking back your country! You and the gals should think about renting a Winnebago. Tie a pink WOMEN FOR TRUMP flag to the top, pack a cooler full of canned wine, cue your Spotify DC Talk/Jars of Clay playlist, and you’re well on your way to reinforce white supremacy. Get a pedicure from someone who doesn’t have the luxury of working from home.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Don’t cry because you couldn’t find Nancy Pelosi’s office; smile because you took a huge crap in a stairwell of the People’s House. And then sacrificed a new pair of Wal-Mart gloves to smear your own feces on the walls of that stairwell. And then, on the way down the halls of democracy, added a shit mustache to a statue of another white dude who was once in charge of things. And then used your other glove to wipe your butt, just like Antifa wipes their butt with the Constitution. USA! USA! USA!

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Do not wear a mask to the revolution. Even if your grandma is on oxygen for the rest of her life, even if your neighbor has lost all taste and smell, even if the hospitals are so full your elective colonoscopy was cancelled, even if the funeral home your cousin runs has no room left for the bodies, even if your children have asthma and you’re a smoker and you spend all your free time loitering around frontline grocery clerks at the Main Street Kroger, don’t wear a mask. The pandemic isn’t real. You want your fellow revolutionaries to see your (white) pride. Super spread that, why dontcha.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Are you a cop, Virgo? Because you have to tell me if you’re a cop. Maybe you should tell everyone you’re a cop. Consider bringing your badge to the coup so that other cops will know you have a right to enter the Capitol. But what if you get fired, you ask, for the time you illegally entered a government building as a different handful of cops (Did you show them your badge?) tried to keep you and your friends out in the cold. No worries. The police union has your back. You will likely end up chief!

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Even though it will make it easier to be identified by your ex-wives when your face is broadcast live from the Senate room floor, wear your camo and Nazi patch best. Bring your bear mace and your everyday mace. If your boots aren’t steel-toed, they ain’t it. This is the first time you’ll meet your Parler friends in real life, and you want to make a good impression. Prepare a list of conversation topics: have you ever planned a kidnapping before? How many guns can you conceal on your body at a time?

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Oh, Scorpio—when you find yourself in times of trouble, Tomi Lahren will comfort you. Speaking words of wisdom in her recent memoir Never Play Dead, Tomi says, “You can be fragile like a flower or fragile like a bomb! The choice is yours.” When the US Marshall comes to escort you and your mom off the Frontier flight, go limp like a plucked daisy. If that doesn’t seem to help, let loose some guttural screams so everyone knows your rights are being violated, all because of a little ole weekend trip to DC.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Proud or boogaloo, black and yellow or Hawaiian print, no matter the boy—what matters is you show up. What matters is you have your boys’ backs, in a totally not homoerotic way, that you support the hopes and dreams of the only boys you’ve ever shared your own hopes and dreams with: the dream of a tricked out, forest green, doomsday prepper Humvee, and a race war. Tell your wife you’ll have another wedding anniversary next year. Don’t tell her you spent a thousand bucks on tactical gear off of Facebook marketplace.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Girl, I get it! Capricorn Nazis need love too! Times have been tough on Righter, the conservative dating app; how’s a bottle-blonde Aryan supposed to land a husband when the mens are all hopped up on storming government buildings? If you don’t find love near the Washington Monument on your way back to your hotel, maybe you haven’t been putting out the right vibes. When you get back to whatever state you’re from—Nazism knows no bounds—make sure you’re hanging out in the right places. The SS (separate soulmate) you’re looking for may be watching the fight at Bdubs, pandemic be damned.  

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Look, Aquarius, you don’t have to put boots on the ground to be a patriot. You can stay in your yuppy, downtown apartment. You can clock out of your corporate day job, heat up a Hungry Man frozen (the one with the damp brownie) and chow as you mine the dankest corners of the internet. Roast every progressive on Twitter who “hates the President” because he “incited violence.” The Socialists are weak, pathetic. Antifa lurks. Women you don’t know will get abortions and THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. Roast them, too. Throw racial slurs at strangers on social media. Tell them this is your country. Send them death threats so they understand how serious you are. It is your duty, Patriot, and your God given right to stop the tyranny of the radical left and Joe Biden.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You’re in a cult.

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