Astrological Advice for Bootlicking Neo-Liberals, Specifically
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Aries (Mar 21 -Apr 19)
You’ve noticed the cop who lives on your block (that white, blonde lady, Kim Porter; the news conference said she mistook her gun for a taser and shot Daunte Wright, a very young Black father). That cop now has twenty-four hour police protection. Her French-knockoff McMansion is surrounded by a six-foot chain link (you always thought her house an eyesore anyway). The neighborhood looks more like local news shots of Minneapolis, police cars lining the streets, mostly white men with severe haircuts and a walk like they’ve got a stick up their ass. Come to think of it, you’ve never had a pleasant encounter with the police. They always seem so high on their own power—mind you, you’ve never been in any real trouble with the law. Suppose there are two sides to every story and continue picking up dog shit in the backyard.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
The thing is you voted for Obama twice. You voted for Clinton and Biden, too. You have Black friends, one, really; you served in the military with her but you haven’t spoken for years. You understand the protests. You understand the anger and sadness. How upsetting, you think to yourself when you see the news (thirteen-year-old Adam Toledo shot by police in Chicago. Police said he was holding a gun while body cam footage shows him with his hands up). How upsetting, indeed. That said, you just cannot get behind the looting and destruction. That CVS was just built like a year ago. It was your favorite CVS and really close to your stop. Now you’ll have to find a new CVS. Maybe try a Walgreens?
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
It’s really weird, you think, the way the deputy (Jason Meade who shot Casey Goodson in the back, repeatedly) mistook the Subway sandwich for a gun (Casey Goodson was walking into his own house with his lunch after a dentist visit). It’s strange, too, the way the cops treated the Goodson family (calling them “Bitch,” threatening to shoot them, not letting them into their own cars to stay out of the cold). You wonder why Jason Meade (deputy and Baptist pastor) was not in uniform, or why he didn’t just disable Casey Goodson, or maybe even just ask him to chat (Meade once said “Jesus was the manliest man in the history of mankind” and, in a sermon at a Baptist Convention told his flock, “I work for the sheriff’s office…I hunt people—it’s a great job, I love it”). Stop thinking about it. These things are complicated and there’s nothing you can do about it. Netflix just dropped a new True Crime doc!
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
You’re a new True Crime doc on Netflix! You were filmed in New Mexico and you’re about a young woman who went missing from her own backyard! The police immediately identify a suspect, a Mexican kid who walked by her house one time even though he doesn’t even live in her neighborhood. He was visiting a classmate to “study” “calculus,” but the cops are pretty sure it was him! You begin to suggest through narrated and heavily spliced editing that the kid may have been in a gang, so it appears this case was probably gang-related! The cops think so! The cops have a binder full of people who appear Latinx or Hispanic and these people are all definitely criminals though they have not been charged of any crime! Meanwhile, the murdered woman’s family is certain the young woman was murdered by her own white fiancée…a cop himself! What a wild ride you are! So many twists and turns, so little critical awareness, so little time!
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
You’re a local news anchor and you keep citing the authorities when you report on these—hmm, police-committed acts of violence? What’s the best way to rhetorically sanitize this news? So it’s more palatable. A phrase that, when you say it, we know exactly what you mean even though you’re actually not saying anything at all. Authorities say authorities shot…no, that’s too obvious, how do you sound neutral? Even when that decided neutrality means compromising the truth. “A man was shot,” say authorities…Yes. That’s what you should do. Change around the words so no fault is assigned, even though it only benefits the “authorities” who “authorized” your report. It crosses your mind, the way a man cannot get shot without someone else shooting them, uniformed or otherwise, but you’ve got news to report. Keep doing you. You’re very good at what you do.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
You’ve never voted because you don’t like any candidates in any election. You’re thinking about starting a podcast about politics and the state of America. Good for you!
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
You live in qwhite undisturbed Upper Arlington (in Columbus) (but it’s Upper Arlington) and you found Trump distasteful, and you put a Biden sign in your yard. You took it down the day after the election—you’re not that into politics—and you think the police killings are tragic for all sides, but it seems like a big stretch to say that Columbus Police using a helicopter one night is proof they are racist. (You did hear they flew over Black neighborhoods exclusively, over which they flew in a pattern that sliced the letters C, P, and D through the night sky, but boys will be boys and you understand sometimes they need to let off a little steam.) You won’t be convinced that defunding the police is a viable idea. In fact, you agree with Biden. More training! More money! More toys! They’ll figure it out one day, you think, and you’re probably right.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Recently your neighbor put some trash in your trashcan. It was on the curb for pickup and she was walking by. You’ve seen her do this three times now in the last year. She’s a Black woman, and you didn’t want to have to call the police on her, but third time’s a charm. This has gone far enough. You won’t stand for this any longer. Your trash can, your trash. You have no choice but to call the police. Who else is going to make people follow the rules?!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You’re a wealthy, cis white gay man and you know oppression (you don’t). It took you until you were FOURTEEN to tell your parents you’re gay (they knew, they’re very supportive) and they insist on calling the day you came out your “Gay Birthday” which is just so tokenizing (it isn’t). You have been prejudiced against (you haven’t) and the world despises you (it doesn’t, not like it used to, you’re actually pretty trendy right now) and so you know a thing or two about protest (you never have) and disrupting power (interrupting your female boss does not count, but ok). Your favorite time of year is PRIDE and it’s the only time of year you and all of your gays can get together (not true, you actually gentrified an entire neighborhood). You feel like lately the celebration has been derailed by people protesting the police and preaching Black Lives Matter and you won’t put up with it any longer. You want to know: why can’t they just do their own thing? Why can’t they understand PRIDE is for celebration and honoring Stonewall (Stonewall was a protest against police started by Black and trans women…) and not for making happy people think about bad stuff (…oh, ok).
Maybe you should consider throwing your own backyard pride?
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You are a regular American citizen and you aren’t too sure about this whole supposed “school to prison pipeline.” You don’t need to learn anything more about it. Follow your gut. Curiosity is a real time suck.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You are an editor at Simon and Schuster. You are behind the book deal they gave one of the cops who killed Breonna Taylor. You think it’s important that people can hear “both sides.” You knew there would be backlash, but you believed it would help drum up buzz for the book.
You are a bad person. You will continue being a bad person. Go fuck yourself.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
You become a cop because you are a genuinely good person who believes you can affect change. You were born and raised in America, where fascism is so prevalent, so quotidian, it’s the air we breathe. You believe Black Lives Matter and you know the police force is problematic at best and racist and deadly at worst. You studied criminal justice in school because you are interested in restorative justice. You want to believe in the best of humanity. You think you can fix the bad apples. You think you can model leadership that puts “words before war,” as they say in the academy. You are an excellent communicator and you want to help your community. In the academy you spend hundreds of hours watching YouTube streams that show the many ways police are in danger. You are told that everyone is out to get the police. You are told that citizens are the sheep and you are the wolf. You spend a lot of time at the range shooting guns. You come to know the heat of the gun in your hand intimately. You watch cops in danger on YouTube. You practice shooting. You see how badly a traffic stop could go. You practice shooting. You wanted to change policing. Policing has changed you. You are a cop now. There are laws and someone has to enforce them. Don’t question the laws or lawmakers—your job is only enforcement. Protect yourself and protect your kind. Everyone is out to get the cops. You started a genuinely good person who believed you could affect change and now you are a cop within a system and culture of cops. Everyone is a potential bad guy. You watch videos on YouTube. You can shoot at close range or far. There are laws to enforce. You are a cop.